There's a few things that pop into all our minds when someone says the word Tuesday, but there's one which I'm sure all the people reading this right now will share in common... That's right, "Checking in with my parole officer from the sex offender registry". Unluckilly it also means shutdown night. Not just unlucky for you because you don't get home from work in time to put another level on your 7th alt, but also unlucky for your friends and family who now have to put up with your heavy breathing and excessive sweating all night as you lumber about your house looking for something to pass the hours until the servers come up. Most unluckilly it means you have to deal with the possibility that I'll get so bored that I decide to attempt to string together enough expletives and thinly veiled homoerotic metaphores to fill this big, shiny, black page with a huge load from my throbbing head.
Its been a while since I paid a toothless hooker to write one of these updates for me so you guys will probably be a little out of practice. With this in mind, I'm going to warm you up with something that makes no sense at all. Actually this video makes perfect sense and in-fact I'm pretty sure it was based on the true story of the time I challenged the homeless guy who lives under our building to see who could drink the most paint thinner without passing out. I don't remember who won, or how to spell my surname anymore, but my vague recollections of the evening went something like this:
The next video is something so wonderful that nothing as vulgar as words could ever describe it's beauty. It may not have the flashy bells and whistles of Kazzak kited to Stormwind but it is possibly the most sublime demonstration of mob behaviour - even in the most futile of circumstances - that I've ever seen. Watching the entire population of Ironforge huddled around attacking the same tiny mob is a thing of beauty and I share it with you all today. You're welcome.
To round out tonights proceedings, I'll leave you with a trailer for a video game. Now this game has two very distinct characteristics: It's very Japanese, and it's very gay. This game is so gay that it bends gayness around and in on itself, creating a gay black hole so powerful that gay can't even escape it. It's a perfect storm of gayness so mind-bogglingly fruity that it'll turn your entire house pink if you play it for more than 5 minutes at a time. After watching this video, I highly recommend that if you're a straight guy (and would like to stay that way) that you immediately go to a titty-bar while simultaneously watching football and stratching your ball-sack through a tiny pair of stubbies. If you don't then I hope you enjoy the smell of aftershave on your undies because this is a tsunami of gayness the likes of which you've never seen:
We'll start tonight's proceedings with that mainstay of shitty cinema, dating videos from the 80's. I tell you what, if you've ever felt bad that you need a dating service to find that special someone, well this video whould make you feel much better about yourself. Unless of course you're as bad as (or worse that) the people in this video - in which case please email a video of yourself to me. There are so many hillariously awkward lines in this video I could fill an entire update with the first 30 seconds so I'm just going to stop typing and let you bask in its terrible glory.
I particularly like the dude who's looking for a "Goddess" and then narrows it down to every fucking woman on the planet. Way to make your desperation sound like... well... *creepy* desperation.
Anyway, moving along. Our next video is about stabbing cops. Fasten your seatbelts because the acting in this training video is almost as bad as Keanu Reeves in that movie where he played some mealy-mouthed thickshit. Yeah that's right... Every movie he's ever been in. I'm not sure how regularly cops have to deal with people keeping swords by their door for protection but I guess you need to know how to deal with it just in case. What makes this video just perfect is the delightfully over-the-top Canadian accents. It's just beautiful eh.
Finally... CRAZY CAT LADY!! Yes I've said it before and I'll say it again, pet owners can come up with some of the most demented crap to buy and sell and this woman takes it to the extreme with her video entitled "Cat Massage". I'm pretty sure if you translate that from retard to english, it means "How to pat your cat, also, my shirt looks like it's made from a tablecloth."
Even the cat looks embarrassed to be a part of this video. Someone call the RSPCA, this woman is touching her cat inappropriately and posting videos of the abuse on the web!
The following quote from the video made me have a seizure and black out for 3 days so just be careful:
"In this case, a drooler is not a person specialising in rings and watches"
What the hell does this woman know anyway? Until you can make your cat do this:
The Annals are back. Sorry it's been so long since my last update but after a spate of trumped-up sexual harassment lawsuits from members of a local women's gym, the conditions of my parole don't permit me within 100 meters of a computer, or 500 meters of any women's gym car park after dark.
In today's article, we've got something for everybody, whether your into playing WoW or hanging around in local gym car parks with a heshen sack and a bottle of ether which, last time I looked, wasn't a crime in this country, Ipswich Police Department.
During my brief incarceration for doing nothing illegal at-all (also, calling a female cop "Sugar-Tits"), I had time to ponder my existence. As the years go by, I find myself wondering if I'll still be "Hip" by the time I'm 70. Given most people I know around that age split their time evenly between reading the obituaries in the newspaper and attending lawn-bowls tournaments, I'm guessing not. But I found a video this week which gives me hope - Hope that as I drift into my twilight years, I might be edgy and dangerous and pushing the limits of society's primitive notions of good-taste. Meet Mr. Rob Peters. He's your average septuagenarian who enjoys gardening, watching classic movies and publicly humiliating himself on YouTube wearing an adult diaper and calling himself a "Sissy Fag" at the behest of his Mistress, Rachel. And you thought your Grandpa's boring-ass war stories were difficult to sit through? Strap yourself in...
HAWT!
On the subject of ridiculous shit to be wearing on your ass in public, I give you "Winkers". Now at-first I figured this had to be a joke, but it seems this product is 100% legit. Who the fuck are they marketing these things to? People with fat asses who want everyone to stare? I'm pretty sure you'll find most of the folks with the rump to do these things justice aren't going to be too keen draw attention on their Christmas hams as they trundle down to McDonalds for second-lunch. Not that anyone's going to be looking anyway because honestly, who wants an angry ass-owl winking at them constantly?
What I find even more confusing is that the inventor of these affronts to God has made a patent application for them. Do you honestly think people are going steal your idea of winking-ass jeans? That's like filing a patent for shoving broken bottles up your ass.
Finally, a quick one for all you fanboys of "The Guild". Here's a clip from the Q&A session with the show's cast at this years Blizzcon where Felicia Day - who plays Codex - is asked if "The carpet matches the drapes". For those of you who, like Felicia, don't know what that means, you should probably stop reading this and get back to your bible study group. While this clip isn't especially funny, it's worth watching just to hear the lovely Ms. Day say "Vagina"
Well look what we have here... It's Tuesday... The servers are down... So you come crawling to me. You couldn't give a fuck what I've got to say any other day of the week... Noooooo you're too busy raiding to give me even a second thought but as soon as you get bored, all of a sudden you care. Am I a whore to you? Huh? Is that it? I'm you're little whore who sits here waiting for you to call - crying myself to sleep wondering if you even still care about me - ready and willing to provide video gratification at your beck and call? You know if you keep treating me like this I'm going to end it. I'll end it and you can just find some other slut to find retarded videos for you to watch. You'd better start treating me right, dammit.
Tonight we'll start with one of my greatest pleasures. Something that warms the very cockles of my heart and parts beyond. Yes it's true, there are few things that exhilarate me more than somebody pouring their heart and soul into a project and then failing so spectacularly that they cause the very fabric of space and time to warp around them, forever preserving their defeat for future generations of assholes like me to get off on.
Meet Denny Hazen. Somewhere back in the late 80's, this guy got it into his head that rap and hip hop were being monopolised by thugs from low-income urban areas. NO. FUCKING. SHIT. Next he'll be complaining that country music is all about toothless hicks whining over their shitty choices in life or that pop music is overpopulated with teenaged whores who make as much money sucking A&R cock as they do selling albums. You're a bit late to the party there Denny. Apparently it doesn't make much sense to him that a genre of music developed in low income urban areas by street thugs tends to be performed primarily by street thugs from low income urban areas. If there's not already a medical term for this guys condition there should be.
Anyway, in an effort to level the playing field and "blaze" a trail for skinny white guys with no rhythm, lyrical ability or talent, Denny Blazin' Hazen put together a rap video to show off his chops and sent it to MTV. Unsurprisingly, they passed, which is his loss but our gain. Note his disclaimer at the beginning that this is just a demo and the audio is rough. That's an understatement on par with referring to WWII as a scuffle.
Enjoy with me if you will, The Average Homeboy.
"For enjoyment I like to shoot some hoops, but not before I eat all my Froot Loops." - Denny Hazen, Visionary.
Hey you wanna know what pisses me off, aside from everything? These fucking kids that wear their pants down around their knees. Seriously what the fuck is up with that? Who was the first crotch dropping that came up with this shit? How the fuck do they even stay there? I'm not Stephen Hawking but I'm pretty fucking sure it defies some fundamental law of physics. Well for all you pretty-fly-for-a-white-guys, here's yet another reason you should pull your dickfucking pants up.
I only wish the cop had thought it was a gun and tried to yank the fucking thing off. There should be a law: If you pants drop below your genitals in public, they get confiscated.
Lastly, just for something different, I'll post a video that's just plain awesome. But first, you should read the following paragraph, brought to you by our sponsors:
DON'T WATCH THIS AT WORK YOU CLOWNS. In-fact, why the fuck are you even reading this crap at work? Is this seriously what you get paid to do you lazy fuck? Anyway, despite the name of the clip, the audio is very plainly *not* work safe and neither is the video for that matter. You've been warned. Don't whine to me when you have to suck cock to finance your coke habit.
So who wants some Skittles?
Enjoy the downtime
P.S. Note: We now have a comments link below each article so you can feel free to tell me what a hack writer you think I am. All comments are piped directly into my brain instantly so if you lay down a good zinger, you just might make me cry in public. Happy hunting!
