Where's ma rolling restarts bitches?

We'll start tonight's proceedings with that mainstay of shitty cinema, dating videos from the 80's. I tell you what, if you've ever felt bad that you need a dating service to find that special someone, well this video whould make you feel much better about yourself. Unless of course you're as bad as (or worse that) the people in this video - in which case please email a video of yourself to me. There are so many hillariously awkward lines in this video I could fill an entire update with the first 30 seconds so I'm just going to stop typing and let you bask in its terrible glory.

I particularly like the dude who's looking for a "Goddess" and then narrows it down to every fucking woman on the planet. Way to make your desperation sound like... well... *creepy* desperation.

Anyway, moving along. Our next video is about stabbing cops. Fasten your seatbelts because the acting in this training video is almost as bad as Keanu Reeves in that movie where he played some mealy-mouthed thickshit. Yeah that's right... Every movie he's ever been in. I'm not sure how regularly cops have to deal with people keeping swords by their door for protection but I guess you need to know how to deal with it just in case. What makes this video just perfect is the delightfully over-the-top Canadian accents. It's just beautiful eh.

Finally... CRAZY CAT LADY!! Yes I've said it before and I'll say it again, pet owners can come up with some of the most demented crap to buy and sell and this woman takes it to the extreme with her video entitled "Cat Massage". I'm pretty sure if you translate that from retard to english, it means "How to pat your cat, also, my shirt looks like it's made from a tablecloth."

Even the cat looks embarrassed to be a part of this video. Someone call the RSPCA, this woman is touching her cat inappropriately and posting videos of the abuse on the web!

The following quote from the video made me have a seizure and black out for 3 days so just be careful:

"In this case, a drooler is not a person specialising in rings and watches"

What the hell does this woman know anyway? Until you can make your cat do this:

... you aint got shit lady.

Enjoy the downtime.