Well look what we have here... It's Tuesday... The servers are down... So you come crawling to me. You couldn't give a fuck what I've got to say any other day of the week... Noooooo you're too busy raiding to give me even a second thought but as soon as you get bored, all of a sudden you care. Am I a whore to you? Huh? Is that it? I'm you're little whore who sits here waiting for you to call - crying myself to sleep wondering if you even still care about me - ready and willing to provide video gratification at your beck and call? You know if you keep treating me like this I'm going to end it. I'll end it and you can just find some other slut to find retarded videos for you to watch. You'd better start treating me right, dammit.

Tonight we'll start with one of my greatest pleasures. Something that warms the very cockles of my heart and parts beyond. Yes it's true, there are few things that exhilarate me more than somebody pouring their heart and soul into a project and then failing so spectacularly that they cause the very fabric of space and time to warp around them, forever preserving their defeat for future generations of assholes like me to get off on.

Meet Denny Hazen. Somewhere back in the late 80's, this guy got it into his head that rap and hip hop were being monopolised by thugs from low-income urban areas. NO. FUCKING. SHIT. Next he'll be complaining that country music is all about toothless hicks whining over their shitty choices in life or that pop music is overpopulated with teenaged whores who make as much money sucking A&R cock as they do selling albums. You're a bit late to the party there Denny. Apparently it doesn't make much sense to him that a genre of music developed in low income urban areas by street thugs tends to be performed primarily by street thugs from low income urban areas. If there's not already a medical term for this guys condition there should be.

Anyway, in an effort to level the playing field and "blaze" a trail for skinny white guys with no rhythm, lyrical ability or talent, Denny Blazin' Hazen put together a rap video to show off his chops and sent it to MTV. Unsurprisingly, they passed, which is his loss but our gain. Note his disclaimer at the beginning that this is just a demo and the audio is rough. That's an understatement on par with referring to WWII as a scuffle.

Enjoy with me if you will, The Average Homeboy.

"For enjoyment I like to shoot some hoops, but not before I eat all my Froot Loops." - Denny Hazen, Visionary.

Hey you wanna know what pisses me off, aside from everything? These fucking kids that wear their pants down around their knees. Seriously what the fuck is up with that? Who was the first crotch dropping that came up with this shit? How the fuck do they even stay there? I'm not Stephen Hawking but I'm pretty fucking sure it defies some fundamental law of physics. Well for all you pretty-fly-for-a-white-guys, here's yet another reason you should pull your dickfucking pants up.

I only wish the cop had thought it was a gun and tried to yank the fucking thing off. There should be a law: If you pants drop below your genitals in public, they get confiscated.

Lastly, just for something different, I'll post a video that's just plain awesome. But first, you should read the following paragraph, brought to you by our sponsors:

DON'T WATCH THIS AT WORK YOU CLOWNS. In-fact, why the fuck are you even reading this crap at work? Is this seriously what you get paid to do you lazy fuck? Anyway, despite the name of the clip, the audio is very plainly *not* work safe and neither is the video for that matter. You've been warned. Don't whine to me when you have to suck cock to finance your coke habit.

So who wants some Skittles?

Enjoy the downtime

P.S. Note: We now have a comments link below each article so you can feel free to tell me what a hack writer you think I am. All comments are piped directly into my brain instantly so if you lay down a good zinger, you just might make me cry in public. Happy hunting!