It's 9:00pm, I'm sitting in front of my computer but I can't see a Draenei ass. The can only mean one thing: Drug-induced coma. That or shutdown night. Tonight I'm just going to be lazy and use videos that are so easy to ridicule that they sued themselves for defamation and won: Late night infomercials.

If there's one group that use infomercials harder than an NRL team uses drunk jail bait it's the exercise industry. According to an extensive study carried out by myself and my cat one Saturday night, 4 out of every 5 infomercials are for some kind of crappy exercise contraption. The study also found that wanking to infomercials is 60% more satisfying when you're baked, but 35% more shame-inducing when your cat watches.

We've all seen these ridiculous mechanisms at some point. They usually look more like some kind of medieval torture device than a machine for getting fit. Invariably, the program features some washed-up celebrity breathlessly telling us how, in as little as 6 seconds a day, you too can look like a roid-raging body builder. Note that these claims usually have a giant asterisk next to them and a bunch of small print with words to the effect of "Weight loss not guaranteed unless combined with a diet of rice cakes and beach sand".

My favourite infomercial cliche would have to be the black and white footage of some retard who is unable to perform the simplest tasks without completely fucking it up, demonstrating the need for whatever revolutionary product happens to be for sale. Here's a montage of them if you don't know what I'm talking about.

I swear to god I once saw one where some fat moron kept hitting himself in the head while trying to use free weights. I'm sorry but if a fucking dumbbell is too complicated for you, then the Bicep ProFlex 3000 (TM) isn't going to save your soul. Even if it does help you exercise without sustaining massive head trauma, you're just going to wind up dying when you try to swallow your lawnmower.

Anyway, here's an infomercial which caught my eye the other day. I'm not sure whether or not it would actually work and I really don't care. I just love that someone's invented a device which can both firm and tone your arms, while simultaneously making you look like you're giving a handjob to the Terminator. The greatest part is the insane smiles these models have to wear while they jack off an invisible robot. I can't be the only one that can't get the image out of my head of one of these things blowing a load of motor oil all over the girl's face. Honestly, whoever came up with this thing must have a wicked sense of humour:

Our next must have product is called the Hawaii Chair. This is one of the relatively recent spate of products which are for people who are so utterly bone idle that they need a machine to do their exercise for them. The machine itself is totally absurd, which is hardly a surprise. However what made this wonderful for me was their attempt to demonstrate how easy it is to carry on your usual daily activities while an automated exercise machine aggressively roughs up your ass. Watching these people try to calmly carry out their desk work while riding something akin to a slightly depressed mechanical bull is hilarious to me.

Imagine for a second your boss got one of these things and called you into his office for a meeting. I don't know about you but I'd just avoid the middle man and pack my belongings and go home because there's no way I'm going to be able to stand there for more than three seconds watching his fat ass orbiting his ballsack before I start pointing and laughing uncontrollably.

Last up and it's another device designed to take the work out of your workout by electrifying your muscles because you can't summon the willpower to do it yourself. What sets this one apart form the rest - and makes it about a terrifying as Oprah Winfrey when she removes her human mask - is that this thing electrocutes your face.

Call me crazy, but if you're anything like me, the thought of watching someone's face involuntarily writhe as bolts of electricity course through their nervous system is less than appealing, as demonstrated by this video. But the inventors of the "Rejuvenique" have solved that problem by attaching the electrodes to the back of what looks like a restraint from a 1940's mental institution. So now, instead of your children crying because mummy's face looks like it's trying to eat itself, now they'll just have nightmares about being stalked by a woman in a terrifying expressionless face mask for the rest of their lives. Marvelous.

Enjoy the downtime.